Thoughts on our 2nd baby

To depart a bit from the running theme, this will be a bit more introspective.

Pretty much my whole adult life, I've looked forward to being a dad. Caleb has definitely not disappointed. He and I have a great time together just laughing and playing and being goofy. It is also pretty cool to be able to teach him things and talk to him about God and other important topics. This week, he has even been pooping in the toilet, which is freaking AWESOME!! I love being Caleb's dad, and I am really looking forward to meeting the baby that's inside Stephanie.

That said, I am also scared to death. I am really not looking forward to the rollercoaster that was Caleb's birth and NICU stay, not to mention Stephanie's blood pressure and stay in the hospital. Caleb was born at 30 weeks, so I just keep telling Stephanie our goal with this one is 33-34 weeks. If we can make that, things will be relatively smooth. It is a nice thought, but I worry about what will happen if things are worse this time instead of better. I will be in my intern year and we will have a two year old at home, so that immediately complicates things. We were very blessed to come out of things without complications the first go round, but Stephanie could have very easily had a stroke or seized or been left with kidney or liver damage. Caleb did remarkably well, but could have had any of the complications of prematurity like brain/eye/gut problems. Was it selfish of me to want another baby? Am I risking my wife's life here? Stephanie wanted one as well, though, and we both agreed Caleb needed a sibling. I guess I just don't want to be second guessing myself later if things go bad.

Sometimes I think about what life would be like if Stephanie or Caleb hadn't made it, or what life will be like if Stephanie or baby 2 doesn't make it through this time. All these fears that I tell myself aren't worth thinking about or are only semi-rational keep popping up. This is probably because I really can't do anything about it. That is the worst part. If I could give Stephanie some medicine or be extra vigilant about her blood pressure (which I will, starting right at 20 weeks), I might feel better. All we can do, though, is sit and wait. I feel a bit bad for Stephanie, because it is hard to just enjoy being pregnant and looking forward to the baby. I don't think being in a 3rd world country is helping in that aspect either. I will say, though, that it is nice to be able to do an ultrasound here whenever we want.

Through it all, I must keep reminding myself about how well God has taken care of us. Now, I don't believe that Christians have a pass on suffering. I've seen and heard of enough suffering here among our brothers and sisters in Christ to be doubly sure of that. If something terrible happens, that doesn't change who God is or my relationship with Him. I just know that whatever happens, good or bad, that God promises to bear our burdens with us and share in our joys. As Caleb's VeggieTales movie has reminded me, God does not give us a spitit of fear.

The conclusion from all of that? I'm still excited, and still nervous, about baby #2. Hopefully things will all work out smoothly. But, even if they don't, it will be okay. At least we'll be close to family in Nebraska!